


The Boy Who Split In Two

by littleebambi



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Depression, Eating Disorders, F/F, M/M, Mental Health Issues, One-Sided Relationship
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-29
Updated: 2021-02-08
Packaged: 2021-03-15 21:40:23
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,559
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29071161
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/littleebambi/pseuds/littleebambi
Summary: In Which Reiner fell in love with his best friend.
Relationships: Bertolt Hoover/Annie Leonhart, Levi/Erwin Smith, Mikasa Ackerman/Eren Yeager, Moblit Berner/Hange Zoë, Reiner Braun & Bertolt Hoover, Reiner Braun/Bertolt Hoover
Comments: 4
Kudos: 68





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Prologue 
> 
> Trigger Warning: this book will contain many sensitive topics such as self harm, eating disorders, as well as suicidal thoughts. Please do not read if you are affected by those topics.

It was the same as every Friday, the group of boys sat cramped in one bedroom, drinks around the floor chips scattered across the floors from those who were too messy as they ate. They hung out every week like this, either doing homework and spending hours just talking about everything and anything. They were a close group, and he was lucky to have them. Reiner Braun, a boy still figuring out himself as he entered his last year of high school. To him he had years to find out what he wanted to do in life though his mother had been pressuring him since he started school of a dream he never wanted to have. That is when he felt himself losing bits and pieces of himself. Of course he kept those results hidden. He didn’t want anyone to know how weak he was becoming. Reiner was the strongest in the group, physically but mentally he was falling down a ditch day by day. So he was blessed to have such a loving friend group. And in them was someone he adored in a way he had never felt for anyone before—

**“Reiner** ,” The way his name rolled off his friends tongue sent a shiver down his spine. No matter how many times he heard him call him by his name his heart was still affected by his soft tone. Bertholdt Hoover, his best friend since they practically came out of the womb. He was the first person Reiner thought of before he slept and when he woke. The tall boy was always on his mind. Even after all these years he only ever thought of him and no one else. Maybe it was an obsession, though in his eyes it was nothing more than a crush. But he knew deep down he felt too strongly for a boy who would never feel the same—though he hoped he would. 

“Yeah? Sorry, Eren was distracting me with his awful hair.” Reiner replied in return earning a slap on the back from none other than Eren himself— another one of his friends. “Ouch,’’ he grumbled rubbing his shoulder with a huff. He glanced back at Berholdt wondering why he was pulled out of his thoughts. But he quickly figured it out when the tall man handed him his share of their food. They shared everything, from food to clothes—even though they were far too big for Reiner. They kept no secrets, well other than his feelings towards the boy and how dark his mind was becoming over the years— they shared everything. Bertholdt would always be his number one in his life and that is how he liked it. 

“Jesus, you’d think the two of you were married with how gushy you two get.” Jean teased in a playful tone, whining dramatically when he too got slapped on the shoulder by his boyfriend Marco. He was a quiet, but friendly boy. They were all shocked when Jean told the group of their relationship not because they were both men, but because Marco was this perfect angel and Jean, well Jean was just a dick at times. 

Bertholdt ignored his comment and went back to eating his piece of the cinnamon covered pretzel. He never really paid attention to comments like that. Nor did he ever show his discomfort when the group referred to them as the married ones in the group. Mainly because he knew it was all just a joke. 

“Bert said he had a big announcement for us, so what is it?” Connie asked, wiggling his almost non existent eyebrows in a playfully manner. Reiner hadn’t heard of any news so he was a bit worried as to why he wasn’t told of this before Connie. Who was their loud and playful buzzed hair friend. 

‘’Well..I- please don’t freak.” Bertholdt stammered, which concerned Reiner even more. What had made his usual strong friend so jittery and nervous? 

“I’m dating Annie.” 

And that is when Reiner felt _his world fall beneath him._


	2. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warnings: mentions of eating disorders and self harm.

He stared at the screen in front of him, his chin resting against the palm of his hand as he listened to the teacher carry on about the history of a famous poet. He could care less, for the past few months his grades had went from perfect to nearly failing every class he took. And he didn’t care, the world he knew it was crumbling under him—he had no reason to try anymore. Everything changed after the night of Bertholdt’s confession. He hardly ever saw his tall friend anymore, he had spent every lunch with Annie and her group of friends, while their usual friend group was busy with clubs that Reiner quit due to his mother saying he had no reason to join a club centered around Art. In her eyes, art was meaningless, his interests and hobbies were useless. She wanted a perfect son who spent his time reading rather than drawing lines across a canvas. 

“Oi, Brauns if you don’t care to do your work you are free to leave.” His teacher, Mr. Ackerman spoke his dark eyes glaring down at the boy who just blinked in return. His movements were all slower now, mainly from his malnourishment and lack of sleep. But again, Reiner didn’t care. However, once Bertholdt glances over at him he was sure to act fine, even doing as much as grabbing out his notebook he hadn’t touched in weeks to write down the notes.

”Sorry sir, it won’t happen again.” He mumbled, hearing Jean snicker behind him. Reiner had done his best to hide how badly he was suffering, he didn’t want his friends to become angry with him, maybe it was true fear of his mothers treatment that lead him to push people away—but he didn’t know. All he knew was to hide the truth, act happy and keep a damn smile on his face no matter how bad it hurt. He hated looking at Bertholdt lately, his heart would still nearly burst from his chest, but that blonde girl was always beside him, always clinging to him. And she was not a fan of Reiner, maybe she could see through his bullshit, maybe she knew of his crush, maybe that was why she did her best to keep the pair apart. It wouldn’t shock him, if he knew someone was in love with his boyfriend he’d probably do the same. 

Even as the class ended he was slow when grabbing his things, his friends not even noticing him trailing behind like a slug. Bertholdt’s eyes were lingering on the boy as soon as he realized someone wasn’t behind him like usual. And when the giant in the group stopped they all looked behind them. “Reiner, you coming?” He spoke, a kind smile on his face and his voice sounding like honey. It caused his heart to flutter and a genuine smile to grace his face. It was nice to see his friend notice his absence. It helped him believe the boy still cared for him.

”I’m coming,” He chirped hurrying to stand beside him laughing when Connie punched his arm playfully rambling about some stupid project he had coming up. He hardly listened to him, instead he focused on Bertholdt, on the way he walked how his eyes moved when he looked around each corner in the cafeteria. How he’d laugh at Eren and Jeans useless bickering and how Marco would try to tug them away. The giant was beautiful, anyone could see that. 

“Eren,” a voice all made them pause from their conversation. Reiner felt himself tense, it was Annie’s friend group joining beside them. Mikasa and Armin were apart of that group. They were the smartest group in their school, which is why Reiner was like dirt compared to Annie. He blocked out the new conversations, instead he just rolled his food around in place, making it look like he act it while in reality he hadn’t eaten anything since the night before—and even then it was just a few bites of bread he took from his pantry. His mother made it so she never had to feed him, she said he was an adult now, he’d have to buy his own food if he wanted to survive like a man. And Reiner ran out of money weeks ago, he used all his dollars on his group— he never put himself before others.

But deep down he knew he wasn’t worthy of eating, he punished himself in the cruelest ways possible. From starving, to biting himself and to most recently painting his arms a dark and angry red until he would nearly faint.

’’Ew, keep that shit away from us!” He was snapped from his thoughts when Jean shouted across the table covering Marco’s eyes shielding him from the soft kiss Annie placed on Betrholdt’s bright red cheek. Reiner felt sick, he could feel bile shuffle up his throat just from the sound alone. He was supposed to happy for his friend, he finally found his special person. But all he could think about was how it should’ve been him. Maybe if he had told him early he would’ve had a chance. Maybe if he was smart, strong and well-liked Bertholdt would look his way.

He’d have to change himself for the boy he was so _desperately_ trying to get to look his way. 


	3. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning: Topics of self harm, eating disorders. Read with caution

Each day went by like a blur for Reiner, no matter how many days passed or new things popped up everything felt the same for the boy. He was growing thinner by the week and his eyes were sinking in from how tired he had grown. No one had noticed, to them he looked like he just stayed up too many nights playing his usual video games— and besides, Reiner knew how to lie. It was easy for him, one lie turned into a hundred and now he wasn’t sure what was the truth anymore. Some nights he just laid awake staring at the ceiling while others he’d completely lose it and he found himself ripping his hair out until his scalp burned in pain. He couldn’t see someone for these growing emotions—his mother would never believe him. Hell, he couldn’t even take pills to turn off these dark thoughts. So instead he silently suffered through. his shirts began to hang loosely on his shoulder frames, his hair thinning from tugging at it constantly. Yet his smile never left, he wore layers of shirts to give the idea of his large build. He didn’t want to worry his friends. Just seeing Bertholdt happy was enough, he loved him too much to ever try and ruin his happiness. He wished he could sometimes, this sick and selfish side of him wanted Bertholdt to realize how much pain he was in— he wanted him to stay beside him, speak to him just look at him for a good minute to see how lost the boy had become. 

To him Bertholdt was his world, he was his reason to wake and his reason to sleep. It was an unhealthy obsession, but who could blame him? He had felt these strong feelings since he was a child, he was the only one to care for him even after the accident. He never left him, never complained about losing his own friends from staying beside him. 

“It’s your turn Reiner,” Bertholdt spoke, gently resting his hand against his shoulder smiling down at him. His smile seemed to taunt him, it was too beautiful that it physically hurt. “Sorry, I was too focused on the snow.” he mumbled in return, grabbing his controller from Eren who held it out for him silently telling him to take over. Berthold’ts eyes seemed to linger on his friends form for a few moments before Annie snapped him back to focus on the screen. He couldn’t pin point it exactly but something felt different—and he knew Reiner was probably feeling the same. Their relationship had changed heavily since he and Annie began their journey. They used to call every night, hang out almost every weekend and now they were just lucky to make text during the day. Though Reiner never once complained or tried to ruin his plans. He was too lucky to have someone like Reiner in his life. 

“He never pays attention anymore..” Annie mumbled, leaning into her boyfriend’s warm arms, clicking her tongue against the roof of her mouth. Now, she wasn’t the biggest fan of Reiner—for reasons Bertholdt didn’t really know but he knew of the tension. He agreed Reiner’s head had always been in the clouds, maybe a bit worse as of recently but he never found it to be annoying. He thought it was cute how the boy would zone out sometimes, and mumble to himself about his own thoughts. Although recently he would just stare for a few minutes, looking like he was about to drift off into another dimension. And deep down Bertholdt worried that it was something much worse than just day dreaming but Annie never gave him the time to linger on those theories too long. 

“He’s always been like this,’’ He replied in return with a soft laugh, glancing over at his friend lifting his hand to gently ruffle his soft blonde hair. It wasn’t as fluffy as it used to be, but again he brushed that off. 

As the time passed Reiner felt himself growing even more tired, he didn’t want to be here. He didn’t want to listen to Annie laugh at every word Bertholdt spoke. And he surely didn’t want to listen to Jean and Marco lock lips every five seconds. While everyone had someone to speak to Reiner was alone, as usual. He was only truly close to Bert. Maybe it was his own fault but he had grown to insecure and almost scared to reach out to any of his friends. He knew he couldn’t form a deep bond with them like he did with Bertholdt. He was too damaged, too untrustworthy these days. He had been hurt over and over again that he seemed to shut down when it came to letting anyone in. From his father leaving him, to his mother abusing him mentally and physically. And now his own best friend seemed to be slipping from his finger tips and there was nothing he could do to reel him back in. Because he wasn't’ Annie, he wasn’t what the boy needed in his life. And maybe he had never been. Had he ever been this amazing person he had hoped he could be? 

No, how could he have been? From their childhood he had hurt people just from being himself. Old friends and foes he would never freely speak to again because the fear of being hated again was too strong. All the years of trauma were catching up to him. And Bertholdt disappearing seemed to be the tipping point and Reiner didn’t know how much more he could take. 


	4. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: mentions of self harm and suicide.

“I said it wasn’t my fault!” Reiner shouts, his eyes blurring with tears he’d never allow to shed. His mother was on his ass again for something he didn’t do. She always took her anger out on him—first it was his fault that their father left, next it was for hid dogs death and now because her job had to let her go she was convinced he was the one who reported her for never doing her work. But no matter how much he tried to explain himself she never listened— she was always right. She never listened to her son, and he hated that he had to accept that. She’d never be the type of mother he needed in his life. 

“Stop lying!” She screams, lifting her hand bringing it down to paint a red hand mark across his cheek. His head snapped to the side, eyes widening at the hit. He hadn’t been hurt by her physically in a few months so he hoped because of that she stopped but he knew it was too good to be true. “Get out of my sight.” She hissed, and he didn’t spend another second before he bolted up the steps to his room, his heart hammering against his rib cage painfully. He was trembling from head to toe, he was terrified no it only of his mother but himself, and he was so upset he didn’t know what he’d do to himself. So, like he normally he grabs his phone dialing Bertholdt’s number with a broken sob. He waited and waited, but the line was never picked up, and his fingers began to tremble even faster. 

“Please, p-please..” he whispered, his voice shaking as he tried yet again. He didn’t want to be alone, he couldn’t—not right now. By the fourth time he received a text, one that made his insides sting and his head almost burst.

‘ _Sorry, Annie and I are watching a movie. Will call later.’_

His phone slams against his wall, hands grabbing at his thin hair, chest heaving as he took big gulps trying to calm himself. His panic attack was growing by the second, and soon he’d lost himself completely. Never had Bertholdt ever ignored his calls like this, and god, it hurt so bad. The pain was taking over his body, chewing him up and spitting him out till he was nothing but crumbs. Without a thought he grabbed his silver weapons, his legs giving out completely. No matter how much it stung he didn’t stop—he just wanted to make his head shut up. It was pounding so painfully. He could hear his mothers screams, Annies laugh— then he could see her, standing across from him. A sneer on her pale, yet beautiful face. 

“He’ll never want such a weak man like you.” She hissed, pointing at him covering her mouth doubling over with loud laughs. She was everything he’d never be, and his inner demons laughed with her. Suddenly he was surrounded by people from the past and now, all laughing at him for being so weak, for being so small. He felt like the ground beneath him was crumbling bit by bit. 

The next morning he sat at his desk with a distant expression. No matter how much COnnie tried to joke with him and Jean poked his side he was unable to move. His arms stung horribly and his legs were still slightly weak from the night before. He had lost so much blood for a moment he actually thought he was going to die from his wounds—though he never did. He didn’t know yet if he was upset about that or not. His mood only soured more when he saw his tall bast friend walk through the doorway, a bright smile on his face as he hurries over to the desk.

”Hey! Sorry guys, I had to walk Annie to class, I brought the homework though so copy it down quick.” He informed the group, placing his paper down onto Reiner’s table allowing everyone to hurry ver and finish their own papers. Reiner didn’t even glance at him, he just stayed still fingers drumming against the wood. Bertholdt only caught on once he realized his friend hadn’t asked him about his date like he normally did— only now after getting a good look did he see just how tired he seemed in that moment. The dark bags under his eyes hinted of his exhausted form. But like usual, Bertholdt just assumed it was from finishing up homework like he’d always told him. But again, the small voice in the back of his head told him it was much worse. 

“Are you okay Reiner? You”re so quiet today.” He finally speaks up, resting his hand down against his head threading his long fingers through his soft hair. Reiner tensed slightly, dull eyes lifting some to look him in the eyes as a fake smile appears.

”I’m okay, I stayed up late trying to beat your high score.” He fibbed, mentally sighing in relief when the innocent Bertholdt believed him. Though he wanted to scream at him, beat his chest so he could feel even an ounce of his pain. He’d ask him why he never answered his calls anymore— why he didn’t notice his pain. He wanted to know why is couldn’t have been him? WHy was it Annie, and he just wanted to be in his warm arms, safe from the world. Safe from himself.

But instead the broken boy would keep it hidden, for the sake of his friends happiness. In the end, that was all that mattered to him. It would always be the thing that mattered to the boy. 

He just wished Bertholdt felt the same way. 


	5. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: Mentions of self harm and suicide. Read with caution.

Reiner knew his friend was often slow when it came to things, he was always behind in certain things— always late to figuring out things or what certain people were going through. But his slowness seemed to have gotten worse since he started dating Annie. Their usual closeness was no longer a thing. Their late night calls and hanging out after school each day was something only the past him enjoyed. And he wouldn’t lie, it hurt him more than anything. More than his mothers hits—his father abandoning him. It hurt all so much worse, because to him Bertholdt was the only one who truly cared for him and now even he was leaving him behind like he was nothing but trash. Of course he tried to look at it from his stand-point he had just gotten into a new relationship, one he clearly wanted. He was happy for him, Bert deserved such happiness. So when he’d get angry or hurt by his actions he’d drown in guilt. 

“Reiner, stop glaring at me like that..” Connie grumbled, rubbing his arms with a fake shiver. They were seated in their usual circle, huddled around each other eating random snacks as they talk about whatever was happening in their lives. And somehow, Reiner must’ve gotten lost in his head for him to glare at Connie like that. He quickly rushes out a fake laugh, moving his hand over to ruffle his hair. 

“Sorry, Your voice was just too loud.” He teased like usual, making the groups concern stare quickly disappear. If anything he had gotten even better at lying, at hiding his dark cold thoughts. No one knew about his thoughts of taking his life. None could see those red angry lines crossing over his wrists. No matter what they’d never know of his suffering. They deserved happiness—and Reiner was not about to ruin that by being selfish. “Alright, my mom wants me home. I’ll see you guys tomorrow?” Eren states, standing up tall making the group nod their head, moving to stand as well. It was late, he should head home too. And luckily, today Bert would be the one to walk with him—Annie already left an hour ago so for the first time in weeks it would be just them. 

“Ready Reiner?” He smiles up at him, taking his large hand to help him stand. Even now he felt happy just being beside him, it made those haunting thoughts pause for the time being. “Let’s go,’’ he adds on grabbing their bags heading towards the door. For the first few moments they were silent, there wasn’t much to say. Nothing exciting happened in his life anymore, he woke up each day with no purpose. And all Bertholdt could speak about was Annie, but he had heard enough so there was nothing to speak on. 

“So..did you beat that video game yet?” Bertholdt decided to break the silence, some sweat forming on his forehead. He was always a bit awkward when it came to silence like this, normally he didn’t mind it when it came to Reiner. But things changed and things were distant now. 

“Oh? Nope, not yet but I plan to soon.” Reiner made sure his reply was happy, convincing. Yet the smile didn’t reach his eyes, it hardly even covered his face correctly. If anything it looked pain, like he was in need for a long hug.

“Are you okay? You just seem..off.” His friend mumbled, pausing to look down at his smaller friend, a concerned expression stuck on his face. Reiner didn’t want his fake pity, the second Annie needed him he’d be gone and Bertholdt would go back to not giving a shit about his old best friend.

“I’m fine Bert.” He replied, his tone a bit deeper than usual, the smile dropping as soon as he spoke. He did not want to speak about his feelings with a friend who was slowly withering away.

“But you’re not— you look I don’t know pale! And you hardly ever speak to me or the group anymore!” He replied, raising his voice some lifting his hands to do random gestures like he always did. Normally in the past Reiner would think it was adorable but right now, he was angry.

”Oh fuck off! Don’t act like you give a shit. Just go back to kissing Annie’s ass. You’re so fucking attached to her you can hardly focus on the world around you. So don’t act like you care.” He hissed, lifting a finger to point at him. Maybe he went too far, maybe raising his voice wasn’t the right thing to do in this situation. Bertholdt was a sensitive boy, he’d cry at the smallest things especially when someone raised their voice at him.

”Reiner..what?” He whispered, his brows furrowed. Truthfully he didn’t understand it, he tried his best to focus on his friends while being in this relationship— he knew he was distant but Reiner never spoke about it bothering him. “What do you mean, I talk to you all the time! Sure, our plans aren’t the same but you shouldn’t’ be so rude about it! Are you jealous, is that what this is? Annie is my girlfriend Reiner, I can’t just ignore her all day to talk to you.” His voice was soft but his words were harsh. He wanted to scream out all his pain, slap the answers into Bertholdt’s face. Yes he was jealous, not because of the attention— but because he adored him. Would kiss his shoes just for the boy to show some sort of emotions in return. But he couldn’t say that. 

“You know what Bert..Just leave me alone. You’re right, you have a healthy relationship, I’m happy for you. I’m just going to bring you down. I’m sorry, I’m just tired I’ve been stressed over classes and I just missed hanging with you. I promise I’ll stop being so rude to you and Annie..’ the boy whispered, turning his back on the taller male, heading to his cold home with a shaky expression on his face.

He regretted leaving him that night. He wished he could’ve turned around to apologize, but his feet wouldn’t let him. He didn’t want Bert to know how upset he was. He didn’t want to hurt him again. He was selfish, so selfish for getting mad at a man in love. He was a _monster_. 


End file.
